New Year’s Desolation’s, er Resolutions 2016

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We’re part way into the first month of the New Year and it’s that time to start looking at the variety of self-improvement resolutions we made just a couple of weeks ago which are slowly and inevitably becoming obsolete.

I’m referring to the “start exercise,” “lose weight,” “eat better,” and “get my finances in order,” optimism which comes with the third glass of champagne at midnight January 1. You might as well down the whole bottle; because by the time the garbage collector picks up that bottle from your recycling bin – you’ve broken them all!

Look, we’re all in this together. I, myself, am a great believer not only in making resolutions, but getting ahead of the game by practicing breaking them during the year so I can effectively jump ship in January. Realistically, how many of us rise in the morning and start a week or a day out during the year saying, “OK, today I’m going to do this, or that?” – pretty much everybody! And guess what, we break those positive habits very quickly. Think of it as sort of the pre-season for the Super Bowl of resolution breaking in January.

We can blame the Romans and Babylonians for the concept of resolutions, at least that’s what Wikipedia tells me (one resolution is to stop believing Wikipedia)…promising their respective gods to be better people.

This issue for us is really that we set unrealistic goals for ourselves and then find our way back into old habits. Also, we set too many goals – it’s better to have a handful than a list of 10 that any sensible human can’t hope to keep.


While I’m working on failing my personal “eat better” and “no alcohol during the week” resolutions this month…I’ve come up with several I’ve heard about and added to my list below. I think we can all adhere to these throughout 2016:

  • Don’t watch the Republican Debates – I’m off to a good start this year, my neck feels better already from reduced head shaking
  • Don’t watch the Democratic Debates – That’s an easy one, they are held in the dark of night, on a weekend, during a lunar eclipse so no one sees them. Easy – I’m already asleep
  • Avoid all conversations about politics at all costs including discussions of daily news and social events – Also easy when you allow Peggy Lee’s haunting “Is That All There Is”  song (linked for the Millennials) to run through your brain…my friends.
  • Give the dog more exercise – see what I’ve done there? I’ve actually hidden my own “weight loss” resolution in helping our dog lose weight – genius! Ha, we’ll see.
  • Throw stuff out – there’s something about getting old which makes one a pack rat. Instead of putting it “in the other room” – just toss it out – the garbage collector will be relieved to see actual garbage bags finally exceeding the empty alcohol bottles in the recycle bin
  • Eat more chicken – seems healthy at the outset, but also the motto of Chick-fil-A so I’m in!!!
  • Quit smoking – don’t do it now, so boxed checked, besides I didn’t inhale…well the tobacco
  • Quit drinking….pick an awful spirit like Southern Comfort – awesome, done, hate that stuff
  • Stop repeating stories – my kids will be thrilled about this one as they are tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over
  • See more movies in the theater – getting out and doing things often is healthy – a medium popcorn with butter isn’t – so be it, at least I can do one
  • Stop repeating stories – my kids will be thrilled about this one as they are tired of hearing me say the same thing over and over
  • Find the balance – assume this means I should login to my checking account more often – well OK, but that’s depressing
  • Stop writing senseless blog posts – oops, broken already!

Good luck with your resolutions – if you haven’t blown them already; may they make it to Lent where you can try to give things up once, again! Happy 2016!

About Wally

Wally Greene is both an eternal optimist and cynic, a waffling right-winger, a somewhat decent husband and father of three, budding masters swimmer, delusional comedy writer, chocolate lab lover, martini drinker and executive recruiter...not necessarily in that order.

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